The photo☝️ is of the side of the box in which our office gets our [biodegradable!] coffee pods delivered. I love their sense of humour!
The picture sums it up nicely. Yes, we are all judgemental. Yes, I’m human and as a result can be judgemental at times too. Guilty as charged, m’lord! 👩⚖️
As the saying goes, opinions are like our children – we like our own the best (although I have to admit that’s not always true with me and my teenagers🤦♂️). Opinion, btw, is essentially another word for judgement.
Our judgement/ opinions are big problems when it comes to giving and receiving feedback and having difficult conversations – and lots of other situations, for that matter, both in and out of work.
If you walk into a feedback conversation with a pre-conceived judgement of the person or situation, then that’s usually what you’re going to get. That applies to pretty much all conversations and interactions, and whether you’re giving or receiving feedback.
For example, if your opinion is that the person you’re talking to is going to be combative in their response to your feedback, then that’s usually what will happen.
Not because the person is necessarily combative, but because you go in expecting a ‘fight,’ so your tone, body language, and your actual language will subconsciously be biased towards that, and that’s what the other person will see, hear, and feel – and will judge and react accordingly.
I can remember training a group in reducing conflict through better feedback and communications. The people were inspectors and customer service people in a Regional NSW Government agency that dealt with pest and weed control on the farms in the region. One lady told the story of how every time she saw one particular white Ute pull up outside the office she automatically felt her hackles rising and was steeling herself for an impending conflict – which she always got!
Interestingly, after the training she applied some practical tools to circumvent these reactions, and next time I spoke to her she happily reported she’d had much more civil and productive conversations and got much better outcomes with that particular person – and many others she dealt with.
As the example demonstrates, the key thing is being able to at least keep a lid on your judgement and ideally being able to set that judgement aside – emotional intelligence and emotional regulation in action. However, easier said than done – like most things!
The problem is our brains are designed to take the path of minimum effort – to make thinking easier and less effortful. Once we understand this, it can help us change behaviour.
What “taking the path of minimum effort” means is we tend to react according to the well-entrenched neuronal wiring in our brains – our habits, short cuts, minimum effort reactions and snap judgements rather than using large amounts of energy on powering our enormously energy-hungry pre-frontal cortex (PFC) to critically think differently about something.
Short-cutting to the path of minimum effort and jumping to conclusions are even more pronounced when we’re stressed, under pressure, time-poor, etc – as most of us regularly are! And even more so having a difficult or feedback-type conversation, whether giving or receiving feedback.
Our PFC is only about 3-4% of the brain’s mass, but it’s so voracious it surprisingly guzzles up to 25% of the brain’s energy – valuable glucose and oxygen in our blood. Coffee (caffeine in general) can have an enhancing effect on our brains for many of us – but beware because it can just make jumping to conclusions quicker, as the picture so neatly summarises!
Some our PFC’s core jobs include planning, analysing, conscious decision making, logical and critical thinking, etc – an also inhibiting or regulating what comes out of our mouths, what we type in an email, and stopping to consider and interpret what’s been said, etc.
When we’re worried, don’t know what to do, feeling overwhelmed, busy, tired, hungry, too stressed, etc, we’re essentially feeling ‘under threat’, and as a result our PFC loses thinking power – critical thinking drops off, it’s harder to inhibit our behaviour and words, we’re more problem than solution focused, and we’re even more susceptible to leaping to unchecked conclusions.
The problem is those conclusions (opinions, judgements) are usually based on our often incomplete, emotional, and factually uninformed previous experiences – which usually underpin our inherent biases and judgements.
We then tend to react rather than respond. Even more so in feedback situations (receiving and giving).
One of the most important skills of a good Leader (and particularly a Coaching Leader) is to be able to genuinely set aside your judgement and listen.
The critical action that makes this happen is first to shut up! Stop. Bite your tongue if you have to (it’s hard to speak with your tongue between your teeth – try it 🤣).
This stop/pause was a skill I learnt and had reinforced as a counsellor at Lifeline. Lifeline recommended a 9-second pause – I could barely do 3 seconds when I started!!
That pause gives you time and helps you re-engage your PFC – and hence respond more instead of reacting.
It’s been an invaluable skill that has served me well as a leader (and as a partner and parent!) over many years.
When you do it, you’re much more able to put your habitual judgement and biases to one side and subsequently have much more effective and productive conversations – especially in those tough giving and receiving feedback and high-conflict environments.
Of course, not I, nor anyone, is perfect! I still occasionally open my mouth when I shouldn’t🤦♂️ However, I open my mouth and drop myself in it way less than I might otherwise, which is realistically the key thing (practice makes better, not perfect!).
You will be so much more effective as a leader if you can keep your judgement contained.
It’s a core leadership skill (self-leadership and leading others) and a critical emotional intelligence skill that will make you so much more effective in all aspects of life.
For more information on our Giving and Receiving Feedback and Difficult Conversations training or and Effective Conflict Management training, click on the links. All our in-house programs are tailored to each group and organisation’s specific requirements and challenges.
